How to Go From Conflict to Collaboration, Part 3
By Nash Consulting
Where have we been and where are we going?
So far, we've taken you through the tapestry of theories and mindsets that pave the way for mastering the art of constructive and healthy conflict. If you've been riding shotgun with us, the significance of honing conflict resolution skills is likely clear. Inescapable in any workplace or relationship, conflict often emerges like an unwelcome dinnertime telemarketer. Yet, let's shatter the notion that conflict is inherently detrimental. When skillfully harnessed, conflict emerges as a catalyst for positive transformations: a forge where creativity is kindled, decisions are refined, and bonds are fortified.
Of course, attaining these rewards demands traversing the terrain of disagreement, a path often avoided due to our ingrained inclination to steer clear of head-on collisions. From an evolutionary standpoint, such collisions spelled danger, threatening our ability to perpetuate our genes. Yet, evolution also endowed us with the capacity to evolve beyond our primal instincts. Thus, we stand at a juncture where embracing conflict becomes a precursor to constructing teams and relationships characterized by unwavering resilience, deep trust, unswerving respect, and peak performance.
Our expedition into the realm of healthy conflict started by establishing firm foundations in the theories of conflict styles (see Part 1 here). We equipped you with tools to decipher your own style, decode those of others, and make adjustments that increase our likelihood of finding a positive resolution.
Venturing deeper, we explored the concept that fostering healthy disagreement is an indispensable adaptive skill, for work and life (see Part 2 here). Armed with this insight, we broke down some of the mindsets that can better allow us to remain engaged and relational, even as we navigate the clashes of ideas and convictions.
Now, in this final installment of our series on healthy conflict, it's time to unpack the behavioral component of this pivotal adaptive skill. We're about to dissect the best-practices playbook of actions that, when woven together, create the conditions for resolving disagreements and building stronger relationships like a pro.
Part 3: The Behaviors of Healthy Conflict
1. The Starting Point - Empathy as a Bridge: Empathy serves as the vital link that binds our worlds together. While often seen as a mindset rather than a behavior, empathy functions as the conduit through which our behaviors manifest, facilitating the development of relationships. And because intentional empathy builds interpersonal connection and understanding, it also preserves our capacity to articulate our needs explicitly, without instigating harm. By immersing ourselves in another person's perspective and grasping their emotions and concerns, we create the foundation for discovering commonality and collaborating on innovative solutions that cater to both parties’ needs.
Inherent within the rest of the behaviors outlined below are empathetic actions. Strengthening our ability to engage in these actions becomes attainable when we recognize that beneath every instance of disagreement lies a set of fundamental, universal needs, including respect, competence, social standing, and autonomy. Examining these underlying needs can facilitate the cultivation of constructive behaviors.
Consider this mental approach: The individual you find yourself in conflict with is, on a fundamental level, similar to you. Their aspiration, much like yours, is to have their needs fulfilled. To help navigate this mindset, consider a reflective exercise known as "Just Like Me." This exercise prompts you to acknowledge that:
This person possesses beliefs, viewpoints, and opinions, just like me.
This person harbors dreams, worries, and vulnerabilities, just like me.
This person enjoys the love and support of friends and family, just like me.
This person seeks peace, happiness, and contentment, just like me.
Empathy serves as a unifying force, forming the foundation of positive conflict resolution. While empathy alone might not entirely suffice for fostering healthy conflict, it is undeniably a prerequisite.
2. Active Listening: Pause, breathe, and truly listen. When we engage in active listening, we demonstrate sincere respect for the other person's perspective. According to a study conducted by Graham Bodie and colleagues at Louisiana State University, active listening significantly improves the quality of communication during disagreements – no surprise there. By showing genuine interest in understanding the other side, you set the stage for a productive dialogue. As leadership guru Stephen Covey wrote, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” If both parties can commit to this principle and agree that it’s OK to direct each other back to it if they get off track, it’s far more likely that an innovative solution will emerge with the relationship still intact.
We talk a lot about best-practice listening skills in our workshops, on our blog, and on our podcast. In brief, here are some of the biggest-bang-for-your-buck best-practice listening behaviors:
Practice attentive body language. Good eye contact, the occasional head nod, mirroring, and more.
Shhhhhhh! Do not interrupt. It feels like aggression mixed with arrogance with a dose of “I don’t care about you” thrown in. Also – watch your airtime. Listen more than you talk.
Paraphrase. “Are you saying he spends too much time away from home?” “It sounds like you’re saying she doesn’t really care about doing quality work.”
Put away distractions. No, you cannot text and listen at the same time!
Empathetic reflection. Where paraphrasing shows that you’re tracking what the person is saying, empathetic reflection shows that you’re intuiting what the person is feeling. (“Gosh, that must have felt terrible.”)
Don’t be a fixer. Not everyone is looking for advice. For most people, being truly heard feels much better than being instructed, advised, corrected, or counseled.
Ask questions. We’re not talking about the third degree here, but do show your curiosity and engagement by enquiring into their world.
3. Constructive Feedback: Transform criticism into constructive guidance. Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, discovered that the "magic ratio" of positive to negative interactions in successful relationships is 5:1. Balance criticism with affirmations, and notice how that can open the other person up and lower their defenses when you have to give them less-than-positive feedback or critique their ideas. Additionally, by focusing on the person’s specific behaviors rather than attacking character, you enhance the likelihood of finding agreement while also nurturing a growth-oriented atmosphere.
We discuss giving constructive feedback in our workshops, blog posts, and podcast episodes. We’ll give you the punchline here: When delivering criticism, use the B.I.R. method:
Describe the Behavior (which could include their viewpoint or idea that you disagree with) that you are giving feedback about. A behavior is something that can be seen and heard. Avoid character words like “disrespectful,” “lazy,” “rude,” and so forth. In other words, give feedback on the behavior or idea, not the person.
Discuss the Impact of that behavior (or the idea). The impact could be something that has already happened (“It shuts down collaboration during our meetings”) or could potentially happen (“It might cause us to miss out on new opportunities”).
Describe Replacement Behavior. In other words, describe what you would like the other person to do instead of the behavior on which you're giving them feedback, or an alternative idea or solution in contrast to the other person’s idea or proposed solution.
4. Collaborative Problem-Solving: Approach conflict as a joint puzzle to solve. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (which we discussed in Part 1 of this series) identifies the "collaborating" style as the ideal approach. When both parties team up to identify shared goals and work together to find solutions that fully satisfy everyone, creative and out-of-box solutions emerge, the discussions are more fruitful, and relationships strengthen. Some of the key characteristics of the collaboration style are:
A win-win orientation
Both assertive (state your needs clearly) and cooperative (a willingness to deeply consider the other person’s needs and perspectives)
An interest in exploring areas of disagreement and learning from one another
Anticipating in advance potential shared concerns and goals and preparing questions to explore them
Saying things like, “What are we missing here?”
Here’s a little tip: collaborating effectively toward mutually beneficial solutions can be improved by working together to identify a minimum of three potential options prior to reaching a decision. Studies have shown that individuals often perceive decisions as binary, limited to Option A or no action at all. However, this mindset can be enriched by introducing an Option B, thereby expanding the decision landscape. Yet, the most optimal outcome arises when three options are presented: Option A, Option B, and Option C. This approach substantially enhances the likelihood of successful decision-making by stimulating creative thinking and prompting the parties to explore unforeseen possibilities. Embracing the concept of multiple alternatives serves to foster a well-rounded resolution. Just some food for thought.
5. Stay Solution-Focused: Staying solution-focused is a pivotal strategy in fostering effective communication and reaching a resolution. The principle involves redirecting attention away from assigning blame and instead channeling it toward finding viable solutions. By doing so, the focus shifts from unproductive blame games to collaboratively identifying ways to overcome challenges and arriving at mutual agreements. Staying solution-focused is a deliberate practice that keeps the conversation anchored in positive paths forward, fostering an atmosphere of cooperation. Here are some phrases you can try out to help keep the conversation solution-focused:
“What happened has happened. What can we do differently next time?”
“Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, let’s brainstorm how we can make it right.”
“What steps can we take to address this challenge?”
“Let’s focus on the future and how we can improve the situation.”
“Let’s shift our attention to actionable steps that can lead to a resolution.”
6. Use Your Emotional Toolkit: Back to empathy. Emotions are at the core of any disagreement. Research by Klaus R. Scherer illustrates that acknowledging emotions leads to better conflict management. Validating emotions demonstrates empathy and reduces tension, creating space for a more rational and constructive discussion. At the end of the day, when someone wants to be listened to, all they are looking for is a little bit of empathy. Shocker!
For example, you might say something like:
“I can see that this topic is really important to you.”
“It seems like this is really difficult for you.”
“I sense that you have some strong feelings about this situation.”
“I appreciate your passion and the emotions you’re bringing into this.”
“How are you feeling about this?”
“I sense some frustration in your voice, and I want to understand.”
“I want you to know that I respect your feelings on this matter.”
To elevate your emotional intelligence game, it's also essential to articulate your own emotions. Engage both your intellect (your mind) and your emotions (your heart) during the discussion. This requires embracing vulnerability - which can be scary! - but the potential payoff is significant. This practice can trigger empathy from the other person, fostering an environment conducive to care and respect – two fundamental components of managing conflicts in a healthy manner.
8. The Time-Out Strategy: Sometimes stepping back is a step forward. A study by Robert E. Quinn and Robert J. Sternberg highlights the value of a time-out strategy in heated conflicts. Taking a break to cool down can prevent escalation and allow for a more composed conversation. It’s okay to say, “We’ve had some good dialogue today, and let’s pick this back up tomorrow to allow ourselves time to process, think, and cool down.”
9. Build Commitments for the Dialogue: Okay, let’s back it up for a moment. Before delving into the meat and potatoes of your disagreement, take a step back and consider the following approach. We've presented you with best-practice behaviors for navigating disagreements, and now it's crucial to take the initiative. Collaborate with your companion-in-conflict to set up a framework for your conversation. Begin by addressing a fundamental question: "Which behaviors can both of us commit to practicing, ensuring a productive, honest, and respectful discussion that leads to mutually supported outcomes?" Develop a comprehensive list of these behaviors, drawing inspiration from the aforementioned best practices and tailoring them to the unique dynamics of your situation. Understand that achieving perfection isn't the goal, but rather dedicating yourself to giving your best effort and redirecting the conversation when inevitable deviations from the agreed-upon behaviors occur. This proactive commitment process establishes a shared understanding and a roadmap for achieving mutually beneficial resolutions.
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As you embark on this journey of transforming conflict into a constructive force, remember that these techniques are the tools of the trade. Practice, patience, and an unwavering commitment to building bridges will enable you to become the LeBron James of healthy disagreement and master the art of conflict resolution while nurturing relationships and fostering collaboration.