Navigating the Tricky Terrain of Being Friends with Employees
It’s a legit (and common) question: Is it ok to be friends with your employees? We admit it's a complex and often awkward situation, to which most management gurus will tell you, “fuhgeddaboutit.” However, it’s not always realistic for those friendships not to occur, and what about in those cases when you go from peer to boss? It’s awkward to suddenly not be friends with somebody you were friends with just yesterday: “Thanks for coming to my wedding, but sorry, we can’t be friends anymore.”
We here at Nash Consulting subscribe to a more nuanced, middle ground approach: Rather than distancing yourself from your team so much that you feel a bit lonely and left out, consider these guardrails:
1. Have some open conversations about the relationship and how it may need to change.
2. Set some guidelines and boundaries for yourself.
3. Avoid favoritism.
4. Maintain professionalism, even outside of work.
Open Communication
First things first, address the elephant in the room. When you find yourself in a friendship with someone you supervise, it’s crucial to have a direct conversation about it. Acknowledge that while you value the relationship, you need to set some parameters to ensure the friendship doesn't show up at work.
Discuss Boundaries: Clearly define what’s acceptable and what’s not. For instance, agree not to discuss work-related issues during your social hangouts. Also agree not to discuss your social hangouts during work hours. There are certain things you can’t talk about and certain grievances you can’t air; make sure your friend knows that up front.
The Trap: Many managers unwittingly spend too much energy trying to be liked (which is a totally human thing to do, by the way!), but this not only diminishes their effectiveness, it can also lead to crossing those boundaries, inadvertently showing favoritism, and more. Set some rules/guidelines for yourself to help avoid the trap and consider giving your friend permission to help you stick to and/or clarify your boundaries.
Reassure Your Team: What if someone calls you out on the fact that you’re friends with an employee? Don’t deny it or be defensive. Lean in and ask if they have concerns. Ask for feedback and discuss the parameters you’ve set. Let them know you’ve had an open conversation and set boundaries to ensure it doesn’t affect the workplace.
Avoid Favoritism
Favoritism, whether real or perceived, can erode trust and morale within your team. It’s your job to ensure that your friendship in no way leads to actual or perceived favoritism. This will require some self-awareness on your part.
Time with the Leader: Remember that time with the leader is a commodity. So, if your friend spends an unequal amount of time with you at work, using your open-door policy more than others, reminiscing about the hilarious moment that happened during your backyard BBQ over the weekend, going out to lunch or coffee to the exclusion of doing the same with others, etc., it will look like favoritism (because it is).
Performance Management: What if you need to offer constructive or corrective feedback to your friend? Make sure it looks the same as it does with every other employee, regardless of how awkward it may feel. This potential scenario should be part of the up-front conversation you have: “Look, part of my job is to give feedback and manage performance. Of course, you can’t be an exception to this. I just want to be clear about this upfront so it’s not a surprise if we need to have these conversations.”
Choice Assignments: If you have a brain, you have biases. The reality is that all managers have unconscious biases that, when left unchecked and unexplored, can make them prone to giving choice assignments, promotions, and more to certain employees based on proximity, behavior styles, sameness, and other factors. Throw friendship into the mix, and you might end up in a tricky situation if you favor your friends for things that others might deserve equally or more. Use a great deal of caution here and examine your motives to make sure you’re not showing unmerited favor. It may be helpful to seek feedback from your supervisor or even employees here.
Separate Work and Social Time
One of the most effective strategies is to keep work and social time separate. This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a beer with your friend outside of work, but it does mean that work talk stays at work and social talk stays…well, not at work.
Set Clear Rules: For instance, agree that when you’re hanging out socially, you won’t discuss work matters. This helps maintain a clear boundary and ensures that your professional relationship doesn’t get muddled. If your employee-friend starts to turn the conversation to work, say something like, “Hey, this conversation is best had during our next regular scheduled one-on-one meeting. Let’s keep this time purely social.”
Be Mindful of Perceptions: Even outside of work, remember that you represent your organization. Be someone they can still respect when you’re back at work on Monday. This means no badmouthing the company or sharing sensitive information with your friend. Self-awareness is critical. Know your tendencies and set personal rules to keep things professional, such as limiting alcohol or self-imposing a curfew – whatever you need to do to ensure your behavior outside of work doesn’t undermine the respect and authority you hold within the workplace.
Maintain Relationship: If your team invites you out for a social gathering (did someone say, “escape room?”), there's no hard rule against participating. Engaging with your team in informal settings can help build rapport and strengthen relationships. However, it’s essential to strike a balance. While it’s great to show that you’re approachable and supportive, it’s equally important to give your team the space to connect and unwind without feeling like their boss is always present.
To navigate this, consider setting a time limit for your participation. Show up, engage, and enjoy yourself, but then excuse yourself politely to allow the team to continue their event on their own terms. (Of course, some activities—like escape rooms—might make this approach a bit tricky.)
Bottom Line
Navigating friendships with employees can be complex, yet it is achievable through transparent communication, well-defined boundaries, and a dedication to professional conduct. It’s essential to strive for a workplace atmosphere where all individuals feel appreciated, respected, and treated equitably, whether or not you choose to be friends with your employees. Check out this podcast for a deeper discussion on the complexities and nuance, as well as some practical tips around navigating friendships with employees.