Navigating Complex Emotions in Challenging Employee Discussions

You're about to have a tough conversation with an employee. Your palms are sweaty, your heart's racing, and you're wondering if it's too late to fake a sudden bout of laryngitis. Sound familiar? Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster of difficult employee discussions!

Today, we're diving into the feels – both yours and your employee's – and how to handle them like the emotionally intelligent leader you are (or aspire to be).

The Employee's Emotional Experience

When you call your employee in for a "chat," their brain might be whipping up an emotional cocktail. Getting feedback can put anyone on defense, and the power differential felt by them can intensify that “fight or flight” response. Here are the primary emotions they may be experiencing:

1. Fear: They might be thinking, "Am I getting fired? Demoted? Moved off the project?

2. Embarrassment: Nothing like feeling like you're being sent to the principal's office... as an adult.

3. Anger: "This is so unfair!”

4. Defensiveness: Their inner voice is already preparing counterarguments before you've even spoken.

5. Sadness: The realization that they might not be performing as well as they thought can be a real bummer.

Why does this matter? Because by recognizing the potential feelings and emotions, you can activate your empathy muscles, which allows you to choose your approach and responses in a way that not only keeps you connected relationally, but also provides clarity.

The Manager's Emotional Experience

It’s important to also pay attention to what you are feeling. What emotions might you be experiencing going into this conversation?

1. Anxiety: "What if I mess this up and make everything worse? Or what if I’m wrong?"

2. Frustration: "Why can't they just do their job right so we don't have to have this conversation?"

3. Empathy: "I remember how it felt to be on the other side of this table."

4. Dread: "I'd rather eat a pound of raw broccoli than have this conversation."

5. Determination: "This needs to be addressed for the good of the team."

Handling the Feels: Your Emotional Toolkit

So, how do you navigate this emotional minefield without everything blowing up in your face? Here's your trusty emotional toolkit:

1. The Pre-Game Warm-Up

Before the conversation:

• Do a self-check: Are you above or below the "line"? Above the line means you're in a state of curiosity and openness. Below the line? You're in self-protection mode. Awareness is key.

• Practice some self-compassion: Remember, you're human. It's okay if you're not perfect in this conversation.

• Prepare, prepare, prepare: Have your BIRCH feedback model ready. This saves your brain power for emotional navigation during the talk.

2. During the Conversation: Empathy is Your Superpower

• Acknowledge the elephant: "I know these conversations can be uncomfortable, and I appreciate you being here."

• Listen actively: Sometimes, people just need to feel heard.

• Watch for physical cues: If they're shutting down or getting heated, it might be time to pause, ask questions, or change tactics.

• Use your "FM radio host voice": Keep your tone calm and steady. Think NPR, not heavy metal.

3. When Emotions Run High

• Take a breather: It's okay to suggest a short break if things get too intense.

• Redirect to solutions: "I can see you're frustrated. How can we work together to improve this situation?"

• Remember your 'why': You're having this conversation to help them and the team improve. Clarity is kindness.

Real-Life Example: The Tale of Manager Mike

Let's see these principles in action with Manager Mike. Mike needs to talk to Emily about her consistently late project deliveries. He's dreading it because Emily is talented but tends to get defensive.

Before the meeting, Mike does his emotional warm-up. He acknowledges his anxiety and reminds himself that this conversation is to help Emily succeed. He prepares his talking points using the BIRCH model and takes a few deep breaths.

During the conversation, Mike starts by acknowledging that this might be uncomfortable. When Emily begins to look upset, he pauses and says, "I’m guessing this is difficult to hear. Can you tell me more about what you're feeling?"

Emily opens up about feeling overwhelmed. Instead of pushing his agenda, Mike listens and then says, "Thank you for sharing that. How can we work together to manage your workload better?"

By the end of the conversation, they've not only addressed the late deliveries but also created a plan to help Emily manage her time better. Mike's empathy and preparation turned a potentially confrontational situation into a productive dialogue.

The Takeaway: Embrace the Feels (But Don't Let Them Drive)

Difficult conversations can suck. But by acknowledging and preparing for the emotions involved – both yours and your employee's – you can navigate these tricky waters more successfully.

Remember:

1. Emotions are normal and okay. It's how we handle them that matters.

2. Preparation is key. The more prepared you are, the more emotional energy you'll have available.

3. Empathy is your secret weapon. Use it liberally.

4. It's okay if things don't go perfectly. Every conversation is a learning opportunity.

So, the next time you need to have a tough talk, take a deep breath, put on your empathy hat, and remember: You're not just managing tasks, you're managing humans with complex emotions.