How to Go From Conflict to Collaboration, Part 1
By Nash Consulting
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Think for a moment about the last person you had a significant conflict with, professionally or personally. Not a stranger you confronted over buying the last four croissants at your favorite baker, but someone you care about or with whom you interact with regularly. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and picture the conversation. Recall how you felt and pay close attention to how you’re feeling now as you rerun the situation. How does it feel to be in conflict?
We generally don’t like how confrontation feels (despite our species’ reputation for engaging in it regularly). Yet conflict isn’t inherently bad. The ability to effectively navigate (and even embrace) conflict is critical to forming meaningful relationships and succeeding at complex and interdependent tasks, whether it’s implementing a new technology at work, managing a team, cohabiting a household, or raising a child.
So exists the paradox of conflict: It doesn’t feel good, yet it’s a vital ingredient in achieving success in groups and relationships.
Given this, the question is not how do we avoid conflict but instead how do we engage in conflict in healthy and productive ways?
The good news is that this ability can be learned, and improving a team’s conflict management skills has enormous payoffs. Research indicates that training team members in conflict resolution skills can improve teamwork, productivity, and employee satisfaction, and, of course, all of this has a positive impact on a company’s bottom line. But more importantly, when team members are able to stay relationally engaged in the midst of conflict (regardless of outcomes), they tend to walk away feeling respected and empowered, instead of drained and angry. This provides them with more energy to truly connect with their loved ones outside of work, which in turn leads to a more fulfilling life. What better gift can you give people than that?
Part I: Understanding Our Conflict Style
Andre and Lauren are project leads on the same team, tasked with co-decision-making authority on critical components of the project. Together, they must assign key responsibilities and make tactical decisions. This requires them to discuss and come to agreement on ideas and opinions.
Lauren tends to walk away from these discussions with the impression that Andre generally sees eye-to-eye with her. She believes that Andre willingly takes a backseat in decision-making and, despite slight disagreements, usually sees her point of view and agrees quickly.
On the other hand, Andre walks away from these conversations feeling disrespected and disregarded and that his opinion doesn’t matter. Although Andre usually acquiesces, he returns to his job feeling resentful and apathetic about the decisions “they” made. And then when the project doesn’t go well (in part, due to his apathy) Andre is quick to point out that he never really agreed with the decisions in the first place, leaving Lauren feeling betrayed and resentful.
Their relationship suffers, the team struggles, and morale has tanked.
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Have you witnessed (or perhaps participated in) a similar situation before? How can these types of adverse outcomes be avoided?
A key first step in healthy conflict is understanding the conflict styles each of you bring to the table. Like our behavior styles, we’re often “fish in water,” not noticing how we show up when we find ourselves disagreeing with someone else. The purpose behind uncovering our conflict styles, as with our behavior styles, is to discover how certain behaviors and approaches may or may not be serving us, which then allows us to take the next step – making slight adjustments to more effectively communicate and collaborate with others. When both parties understand their own and the other’s tendencies and needs and then make adjustments, it’s far more likely that both will stay engaged, relationally connected, and authentic. This magic sauce renders it more likely that you’ll reach a resolution that both can live with and support, and avoid the downward spiral suffered by Lauren, Andre, and their entire team.
Discovering Our Approach to Conflict
Conflict experts and researchers Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann opine that there are five general conflict styles. We all tend toward one of them when in a disagreement or debate, whether in a group or one-on-one. These are not meant to be rigid “boxes” to fit people in – they represent a spectrum. (You’ll find a description of the styles below.)
Consider the following questions and activities to help assess your conflict style. When considered holistically, they may help to provide actionable clues.
How do you tend to show up to others when you’re engaged in a difficult disagreement, especially when you’re not exercising much self-control? What behaviors do you tend to engage in? What is your mindset?
To test your hypothesis, consider asking trusted friends and colleagues their views of how you show up in these situations. How does this compare to your view of yourself?
Reflect on your experience with conflict growing up in your family and community. How was conflict handled, how was it resolved (or not!), and how did people behave? How might this have affected your feelings about and approach to conflict as an adult?
Do you tend to prioritize relationships over other goals or visa-versa? Throughout your life, have your goals or relationships remained more consistent? Or both or neither?
Do you tend to lean more towards cooperation or assertiveness during conflicts?
Which of the following styles best describes your default tendency to approach conflict? And which is the runner-up?*
The Conflict Styles
(Adapted from the work of Kenneth Thomas, Ralph Kilmann, Jay Hall, and The Leadership Center at Washington State University)
Competitor
A win/lose orientation
More assertive and less cooperative
Pursues own goals/concerns at the expense of maintaining the relationship
Interested in “winning” the conflict by clearly stating their position and defending it
Anticipates in advance areas of disagreement and prepares responses to objections
Might say, “I’m standing up for myself.”
Favorite movie is “Rocky”
Accommodator
A yield-lose/win orientation
Less assertive and more cooperative
Pursues maintenance of the relationship at the expense of their own goals/concerns
Interested in displaying generosity and peace-making, often by yielding to the other person’s point of view
Anticipates how the conversation may damage the relationship and identifies ways to maintain harmony
Might say, “You’re probably right, and I’m wrong. Let’s go get a beer.”
Favorite movie is whatever you want to watch
Compromiser
A small-win/small-lose orientation
Mildly assertive and mildly cooperative
Pursues an expedient solution that only partially satisfies both parties
Interested in incorporating a combination of both opinions without upsetting one another
Anticipates in advance areas of possible compromise
Might say, “Let’s split the difference.”
Favorite movie is both “Brave Heart” and “The Notebook”
Avoider
A leave-lose/win orientation
Unassertive and uncooperative
Pursues neither their own goals/concerns nor the goals/concerns of the other person at the expense of their goals and the relationship
Interested in leaving the issue unaddressed by skillfully sidestepping it, postponing, or withdrawing
Anticipates that the conversation may turn contentious and tries to find someone else to settle the disagreement or make the decision
Might say, “I don’t have time for this.”
Doesn’t feel like watching a movie right now
*Remember, this is only a model and is not meant to represent a rigid version of reality. Your behaviors are not confined to one style only; we’re painting with broad strokes. It’s a tool for exploring your tendencies and attitudes toward conflict.
Collaboration Mode
When engaging in conflict, some of us tend to hold our goals more closely than our relationships, and others tend to cling to relationships more than goals. Some of us are inclined to be more cooperative, and some more assertive. There is no good or bad style – it is what it is.
Note that your natural tendencies around conflict are both learned and inherited (it’s nature and nurture) and that it’s absolutely possible to do some un- and re-learning in this arena. Start by reflecting on how some of your tendencies around conflict may no longer serve you in your current relationships. By exploring this, you may find opportunities to make some personal adjustments, with the understanding that doing so, however painful, is in the best interest of you, your sparring partner(s), your team, and your organization.
Which behaviors might you need to adjust to more effectively work through conflict and collaborate towards solutions? This is the goal of healthy and productive conflict - for both parties to engage in collaboration, the fifth conflict style:
Collaborator
A win/win orientation
Both assertive and cooperative
Pursues an alternative creative solution that fully satisfies both parties
Interested in exploring areas of disagreement and learning from one another
Anticipates in advance potential shared concerns and goals and prepares questions to explore them
Might say, “What are we missing here?”
Favorite movie is “Remember the Titans”
The below grid illustrates the five conflict tendencies based on a continuum of
low to high cooperativeness (which can also be understood as low to high regard for maintaining the relationship)
low to high assertiveness (which can also be understood as low to high regard for maintaining one’s goal) .
Notice that Collaboration – the ideal conflict approach– is located in the upper-right corner: an approach that combines both high assertiveness and regard for the goal with high cooperation and regard for the relationship.
Now, imagine if every person in a workgroup understood their default conflict style and their colleagues’ styles, and made adjustments accordingly. This would create the conditions for respectful collaboration and better results. Exploring the questions above and digging into the conflict styles as a workgroup can be exceptionally beneficial. Awareness, at the individual and group level, is a crucial step in moving from unhealthy conflict to collaboration.
Suggestions for Making Adjustments
You’ve taken the time to reflect on how you experienced conflict growing up, your tendencies during conflict when you’re not exercising a lot of self-control, and how your behaviors and mindset around conflict may or may not be serving you and your colleagues. So, what adjustments can you make to navigate those tricky conversations more effectively?
First, keep in mind that there’s no cookie-cutter approach for making conflict-style adjustments. Again, our style exists along a continuum; it’s not as simple as saying “people with this conflict style just need to do this.” Identifying your growth opportunities around conflict requires dedication to self-examination, openness to asking for and receiving feedback, a growth mindset, trial and error, and a whole heap of self-compassion.
All that said, we have several suggestions for you to consider as you reflect on your growth opportunities. The following provides two high-level adjustments related to each of the primary conflict styles. Pick and choose, experiment, and see what’s helpful and what’s not:
Competitor
Practice curiosity – engage in a genuine exploration of the other person’s perspective, as if you were a friendly scientist seeking to truly understand what is really going on and the other person’s point of view. Practice the art of asking questions before advocating for your own point of view.
Anticipate and look for areas of agreement (seek the win/win) – through curiosity and deep inquiry, identify shared goals and potential creative solutions. Starting here will create space for productive conversations when you don’t see eye to eye.
Accommodator
Clearly state your own needs and perspectives – Practice the skill of being clear about your wants, needs, and opinions, and practice becoming comfortable with disagreeing. Plan for ways to clearly state your opinion with care and respect when you disagree.
Claim your space – After exploring the other person’s perspective, ensure there is room for you to advocate for your position. Say something like, “I believe I understand your perspective, and I’d like to share where I’m coming from.”
Compromiser
Practice patience – Practice getting comfortable with not solving problems or disputes immediately. Hang in there and allow for ongoing dialogue, taking the time needed to fully explore each other’s perspectives and needs. When things get a little heated, remember that conflict is a natural part of the process and that negative emotions aren’t bad or necessarily damaging to a relationship. Stay engaged.
Anticipate in advance the win/win scenarios – Think not in terms of what you both have to give up to reach a resolution, but how you can both get your needs met through creative and out-of-box solutions.
Avoider
Embrace your courageous self – Remind yourself that although conflict can at times feel scary, being willing to face it is better for you and for the other person. Conflict is a healthy and necessary practice for maintaining strong relationships, gaining self-confidence, and contributing to something meaningful outside of yourself. The risk of taking the leap is worth the potential benefits.
It’s OK to “bookmark” the conversation – If you’re not ready yet to fully state your opinion and engage in a heated conversation because you haven’t had time to process, it’s OK to say something like, “Could I think about this and get back to you soon?” This buys you time to get in the right mindset and prepare to stay engaged.
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Andre and Lauren are project leads on the same team, tasked with co-decision-making authority on critical components of the project. Together, they must assign key responsibilities and make tactical decisions, which often require them to discuss and come to an agreement on ideas and opinions. Lauren understands that during conflict, when she is not at her best, she tends to go into “competitor mode.” She is aware that she often makes statements to advocate for her point of view without asking many questions to understand the other’s perspective. Andre is aware that he feels uncomfortable during conflict and is naturally fearful of upsetting the other person. Because of this, he has difficulty stating his needs clearly and transparently. Since their last project didn’t turn out so well, they decide at the start of a new project to open up and share with one another how they tend to view and approach conflict. Lauren shares that she is working on asking more questions and seeking understanding before stating her point of view. Andre explains that he is working on being more forthright about his opinions, including speaking up more clearly when he disagrees. They both ask what the other person needs during these difficult conversations, and they agree to make an effort to do what they can to meet those needs. They agree to give each other grace and understanding around their growth opportunities. They make commitments to show up in ways that will make their discussions fruitful and productive, and they give one another permission to redirect them back to those commitments when necessary. Then they get to work.
During their work together on this new project, things occasionally get tense, and they can revert to their natural conflict tendencies. But they are committed to staying relationally engaged during the conflict, and they’re able to recover from these setbacks quickly. Several decisions are made, and, despite some disagreement, they both walk away in full support of those decisions, because they both felt understood and believed that their perspectives were deeply considered. Their team comes to recognize that Lauren and Andre are collaborative and aligned. And the team thrives.
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Several instruments such as this one help teams and individuals understand their conflict styles and tendencies. We can also help your team build skills for and commitments to productive collaboration and a healthy approach to conflict. Schedule a meeting with us here to learn more.