"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a [person's] growth without destroying [their] roots." – Frank A. Clark

Imagine that you're walking down a dark alley at night. You hear footsteps running up from behind you. At this moment the "fear center" of your brain, the amygdala, senses a threat and lights up like a Christmas tree.

Now, imagine that the next day, you're back at the office. Your boss walks up to you and says, "Hey – can I offer you some feedback?" If your amygdala (the region that serves as the brain’s main center for processing emotions) were hooked up to electrodes, you'd notice that your brain responds in the same way it did during your alleyway scare. Our brains cannot tell the difference between physical and social danger.

From an evolutionary perspective, fear is quite useful. This deeply ingrained emotion protected our ancestors from saber-tooth tigers and other such grumpy predators. On the evolutionary timeline of homo sapiens, these physical dangers aren't that far in the past. Our brains haven't evolved to the point in which they can immediately recognize the difference between life-threatening dangers and social dangers. Our survival brains have first dibs on interpreting the environmental threats and react quickly to keep us safe. All of this is happening in the brain unconsciously and at lightning speed.

Ok, history lesson over. Let's get practical.

It’s important to keep in mind that when we give someone corrective or critical feedback, it will likely trigger a "fear response" in that person, which will show up as defensiveness, leading to that person’s inability to learn from and respond well to the feedback. To complicate things further, this fear response will probably be more extreme if you’re that person’s manager because you also have a power differential over them.

The solution, of course, is not to avoid giving feedback – we need this type of communication in the workplace if we hope to create and maintain a culture of accountability, reliability, and improvement. The solution is to learn the art of delivering feedback in a way that lowers the other person's defenses. And it really is an art. It's not uncommon for us to work with leaders who view giving feedback the same way they view flossing teeth: it's not complicated – it’s unpleasant, but we just have to do it. If you want your feedback to work (and we suspect you do), you’ll need to intentionally practice some specific and necessary behaviors that can truly make your feedback effective.

What are these behaviors that make for excellent feedback? Let's start with the simple and work our way up to the more difficult.

Level 1: The Pre-Requisitions to Giving Feedback
When there is a threat to our self-esteem, self-concept, and social status, our primate brains go into self-defense mode. Therefore, our goal in giving feedback is to lower the other person's defensiveness.

There are three things to do before you give feedback:

1. Think it through, at least a little. As opposed to the "shoot from the hip" approach, spend some time considering what you're going to say, how you're going to say it, and what exactly you're trying to get across.

2. Don't do drive-by feedback – give them time to respond and talk about it. "Hey – your report was terrible…ok, got to go!" Don't be the person who just dumps your feedback on them and walks away. This will cause more defensiveness and resentment, and it's just no way to treat another human being.

3. Don’t make them wait. "Hey, is it ok if I give you some feedback?" (*defensiveness starts to settle in*) "Oh, you know what, I have to go – let's talk tomorrow." (*Walks away twirling an evil mustache.*) This isn't kind. The person will spend the next 24 hours freaking out and trying to figure out what terrible thing they did. An old Native American saying goes something like this: "You give me a blank, and I fill it in with demons."

Congratulations! You've finished the pre-requisite course on giving feedback. Let's move on to some more advanced behaviors.

Level 2: Undergraduate School of Feedback
Now let’s get into the dos and don'ts of an effective feedback conversation. What behaviors should we engage in (or not engage in) when delivering feedback in order to lower the other person's defensives?

• DO use a relaxed tone and body language. Your tone and body language should give the message that you're on their side. If you talk to them in a way that sounds mad or frustrated, that person's flight or fight radar will go off, and they will get defensive.

• DON'T give general feedback. Saying something like "you have poor social skills" isn't useful. They can probably think of a hundred social skills, and are they really lacking all of them? Unless they're a main character in Dumb and Dumber, it's doubtful. Unfortunately, it's easy for us to give general feedback, partly out of fear. We don't want to dial in and directly confront the specific issues, so we leave it open so as not to offend them. This approach relies on just crossing your fingers and hoping they get the real message. They rarely do. If you want the feedback to work, you need to be specific.

• DO engage in dialogue and DON'T do a monologue. No one likes a long, corrective speech. One of the five things are brains are always scanning the environment for is a thing call Status. (See our blog post on SCARF and the brain science of engagement.) A threat to our Status is the condition of feeling less-than or one down from someone. It's an unconscious process, and it spins our brain right into defensive mode. Approach your feedback as a discussion that involves a back-and-forth, give-and-take style of conversation.

• DON'T delay feedback. How would it land with you if someone said, "I have a problem with something you did eight months ago"? Probably not very well. If someone recognizes that you're willing to hold on to something for eight months, you will almost certainly lose their trust. It's hard to accept feedback from someone you don't trust.

• DO give feedback in the right location. Give it in a place where that person won't be embarrassed. A private place is almost always best.

• DO assume good intent. Although this isn’t exactly a behavior, it’s a useful mental exercise to practice. Assume everyone has the same shared goals in life as you do: to be happy, successful, and relationally connected. Let assume this person (even our most sticky colleagues) did not wake up that morning trying to figure out who they can annoy today. We can assume that, generally, people have good intentions and motivations that are similar to ours.

• DON'T use hyperbole. When you say something like, "you’re always late!” you’ll likely get pushback. Even if that person is late 364 days a year, they’ll probably point out the one day they were on time. Using generalizations or exaggerations will immediately put the other person in the defensive mode because you’re not actually telling the truth.

• DON’T pile on. “Now that I have your attention, here’s a whole list of things I don’t like about you.” This shows the other person you have been saving up feedback and will cause paranoia, defensiveness and a loss of trust. This is also why you shouldn’t wait until annual reviews to provide feedback. (See our posts on running regularly scheduled one-on-one meetings.)

• DO use praise. This is just a head nod to saying something positive, even when we have to correct behaviors. This doesn’t mean we always have to give a “feedback sandwich.” It just means that if you can find something positive to say that’s in the same area code as your corrective feedback, go for it! For example, you can comment on all the aspects that you like about their staff meetings and then provide feedback on the elements you’d like to see done differently. (Hint: Try to avoid the word“but” when transitioning from positive feedback to corrective. It will just land better.)

• DON’T assume they totally got what you said. You don’t have to do this every time, but if you’ve just had a somewhat complex conversation, you might want to check that what you said is what was heard. Make sure you both are on the same page.

[Pro Tip:We don’t have to give feedback on everything that bothers us. This is called adulting: putting up with annoying stuff, as long as the behaviors aren’t damaging or hurtful.]

Way to go! Now it’s time for the graduate-level feedback course.

Level 3: The Graduate School of Feedback
This is where it really becomes an art.You can give feedback about three things, and there are three things about which you should not give feedback. Following these principles will help lower defensiveness, bring more clarity, and avoid relational damage. Let’s break it down.

Things about which you CAN give feedback: (B.I.R.)

1. You can give feedback regarding behaviors. Behaviors are things that can be seen and heard.

2. You can give feedback regarding the impact those behaviors have had or might have in the future.

3. You can give feedback regarding what you would like them to do instead – the replacement behaviors.

You likely noticed that we are cheating by saying there are three things you can give feedback on. There is really only one. Behaviors. Remember B.I.R. -Behavior, Impact, and Replacement behavior.

Things about which you CANNOT give feedback:

1. You cannot give feedback regarding a person’s character. Avoid using words like rude, lazy, or disrespectful. These are all character words. They aren’t behaviors. These are judgments of the other person. Interrupting people or failing to get work done on time are behaviors, and people respond better when we can drill down to the things that can be seen or heard. And when you’ve discussed the behaviors that need to change, you can talk about the impact those behaviors have and what you’d like them to do instead.

2. You cannot give feedback regarding what someone is thinking or their intentions. When you say something like, “you’re just trying to make people feel bad,” people will get defensive and push back. When you do this, you’re engaging in “mind-reading,” and unless you’re a Jedi Knight, you can’t read minds. Stick with behaviors.

3. You cannot give feedback regarding someone’s feelings or attitudes. When you say, “I know you don’t like her” or “I realize you hate your job,” you are making assumptions about attitudes, unless they’ve specifically told you these things. The truth is you can’t see attitudes. They’re invisible. What you’re seeing are behaviors, so talk about those. What are you seeing and hearing that gives you the impression they don’t like her or don’t like their job? Don’t make assumptions.

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Now that you have earned an advanced degree in giving effective feedback, let’s put it all together by way of a real-world example.

Patrick was seen by colleagues as often being rude and disrespectful (non-behaviors) during team meetings. Up to this point, he’d received “just stop it” feedback. “You’re being rude – stop it.” “You’re being disrespectful - knock it off.” And, big surprise, this feedback wasn’t working. He was just getting angrier and more defensive because he felt insulted and misunderstood.

One of our consultants was able to sit in on the meetings and observe Patrick’s behaviors. Throughout an hour-long meeting, Patrick would roll his eyes, slouch in his chair, text on his phone, turn his chair away from the speaker, and shake his head. His colleagues were clearly displeased with his behaviors. But no one had actually given him specific feedback on these behaviors, their impact, and what type of replacement behaviors he should practice.

We had the chance to coach Patrick. The consultant described the behaviors he witnessed in this meeting. All the behaviors (not character words or assumptions about thoughts or feelings) described to him were objectively true. It took about five minutes for him to get it.

Next Patrick and the consultant discussed the impact these behaviors might be having. They were distracting. They were discouraging people from speaking up. In a big way, they were causing the goals of the meeting to not be met: Collaboration, authenticity, and team building. It took a while, but this process of discussing real and potential impacts without having a bunch of labels thrown at him really hit home.

Lastly Patrick and the consultant collaborated together on possible replacement behaviors.These are the behaviors we’d like to see as opposed to the eye-rolling and interrupting. Again, he got it.

After the next staff meeting, the consultant heard from Patrick’s colleagues. At one point in the meeting, Patrick had said, “that’s a good idea – I hadn’t thought of it like that.” The person who told us this said she thought everyone’s heads were going to blow up, they were so surprised. Later he said, “Ok – that’s not quite the way I see it. Here’s the way I look at it…” Now those are replacement behaviors.

Our conversation with Patrick involved deep listening and empathy first, then a discussion around behaviors, the impact of those behaviors, and replacement behaviors. B.I.R. When we followed up six months later, things were very different with Patrick. It stuck. It was sustainable behavior change.

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You don’t need to hire a rock star consulting firm like ours to give your employees and colleagues effective feedback. (Although we’re always here to help.) Everyone can and should practice these skills. When an entire organization (or family!) is committed to practicing the kind of feedback behaviors that lower others’ defenses and keep you relationally connected, that’s where the magic happens.

[Giving feedback is only half of the equation for creating a culture of feedback. A team needs to also understand the principles of receiving feedback. Check out our podcast #6 episode on receiving feedback. For more on giving feedback, listen to episodes #7, #8,and #10.]